COOKIES & CREAM
by Basched
Summary: Part 1 of multi-fandom fic. Firefly. Jayne sneaks aboard a treasured possession. Post BDM. RAYNE.


_Author's Note: This is the first in a multi-fandom series I'm writing, after conversing with my friend on MSN about a certain favourite dessert of mine. This first is Firefly (duh!) and is centred on my favourite ship for this particular fandom, Rayne. _

_I'm not so good with the whole Chinese phrasing as you will probably guess when you read it, but I hope that it doesn't spoil too much of the plot. It takes place several years after the BDM and so if you haven't seen it (my gods where have you been?!??!?) there are some spoilers. Be aware. Also this is rated due to some swearing, sexiness and nudity._

_So here it is…enjoy._

_Plus I don't own nuffin' of Firefly._

**COOKIES AND CREAM**

PART ONE_**: FIREFLY**_

Good.

No one was back yet; the ship was empty and quiet and so now was the perfect opportunity to get on board and stash away his secret purchase. Jayne didn't wait for the ramp to settle all the way to the ground; instead he leapt up and ran into the cargo bay with the package lightly held to his chest. As his fist smacked on the controls to close the doors he slowly edged forward into the bay and scanned the area for any signs of the other members of the crew.

Satisfied after a few minutes that not even the little crazy was around, Jayne leapt up the stairs, two three at a time and proceeded to the galley. He paused once again, looking over his shoulder before heading directly to the kitchen. The mess from breakfast was still stacked up by the sink, the chore of cleaning up cut short when they all had to rush off to the day's new meet. There was no ruttin' way he was going to do what Kaylee and Simon had been assigned to.

Crouching down, he opened the freezer compartment tucked away in the corner of the kitchen and thankfully there was some room for him to stash his prize.

There was plenty of food, behind which, he could hide it; (the grey dull and frozed packages would only ever be loosely termed as "food" by him and people with taste buds.) though he was worried that the brightly coloured label would be too obvious amongst the protein crap.

There were other sections of Serenity that he could have hidden this; some of the sneaky cubby holes in the engine room were exposed to freezing temperatures, as well one in the airlock, but his recent acquisition could be, _would be_, found. Everyone on this ship knew all its little secrets, some more than others, so the only safe bet was to hide it in plain (ish) sight.

Cussing as the freezing ice numbed his fingers; he rearranged the foodstuffs, reading slowly what was "supposed" to be in them. When he found a sufficient amount of disgusting go se that no one had (or would) touch in months, Jayne stuffed the package right at the back before putting everything else back around it. He rammed the freezer closed and stood up, rubbing his hands together.

That was going to be his little treat later. A good indulgence whilst alone in his bunk (not the tuggin' the todger kind) was going to be the highlight of this day and it had been a long time since he had been able to do so. Getting hold of this hadn't been easy; it was pure chance that the guy had exactly what he needed. It was expensive, but he wasn't going to pass up the offer. Sure, it meant that he had to forgo any of his other luxuries. Yeah…didn't get the extra guns and the recent issues of his favourite gun magazines, but this was going to be worth it.

Hell yeah. This was definitely worth it.

There was going to be a few hours to kill before the others came back. For the tiniest of seconds he actually considered doing the washing up; but then he snorted in laughter as the idea became so ruttin' ridiculous. No one had helped him clean out the septic tanks or praised him when he had stocked up the cargo bay off his own back last week, so Simon and Kaylee will have to do these themselves. He was going to clean his beloved ladies; they needed his attention now because there weren't going to be anytime later. Not when he was going to be indulging.

Grinning at the thought of it, he stretched, grunted and with a hefty and chirpy tug, he pulled down his cunning orange hat over his head, before leaving the galley for his bunk.

He didn't notice the panel slowly opening from the ceiling in the kitchen. Nor did he hear the light feet hit the ground as River Tam dropped down from her hiding place.

She smiled as she opened up the freezer door.

* * *

"I'd say that went down quite well." said Mal beaming a smile of immense satisfaction as Zoë collected up the dinner plates and took them over to the sink. "No one got shot and thanks to the good an' all proper doctor, we got more coin than was actually agreed. Nice work, doc."

"Glad to have helped, Captain." Simon replied in gratitude before assisting Zoë in clearing the table. Mal's smile still lingered as he swigged down the last of his drink and slowly rose from his chair, snapping the braces off his shoulders. He then wondered over to the fruit bowl, where for the first time in good long months, fresh fruit now lay. He spotted a ripe soft peach on the top and picked it up. Slowly, with his knife, he began to slice small pieces off, not caring about the dripping juice down his shirt sleeves.

"A job ain't gone like that for months, cap'ain." said Kaylee leaning forward. She rested her glowing happy face into her palm and twirled a finger dreamily in a lock of her hair. "It makes a nice change. All things are just simply shiny! No one got shot, Serenity is flyin' just all kindsa swell and well…the 'verse seems right for once. Even Jayne looks happy!"

"Too ruttin' right I am." he muttered to himself with his mouthful of food and his eyes glimpsing with longing towards the freezer.

"Did…didcha visit yer ladies o' the night?" asked Kaylee fluttering her eyelids, giggling and leaning back as Simon took up her empty plate from the table. Jayne shook his head, which caused the young mechanic and the captain to look over at him with surprised glints in their eyes. "Oh…you got that gun you was talkin' 'bout? The one ya wanted for the past few weeks?"

"Nah…didn' have enough coin."

The cluttering from the kitchen stopped as Zoë and Simon both stopped in their tracks, joining Mal and Kaylee in staring at him in surprise. All of them, even Inara, were wondering just what had put their resident merc and grouch in a good mood.

"No whore, no guns…" Mal slurped on the peach pieces, an amused smirk on his face. "We didn't even get into a fight on this new job for Badger. Now why am I mighty concerned that you're not even the slightest bit pissed off about that?"

"I got ma reasons." Jayne said, returning the Captain's smirk.

No one said a thing. A strange and eerie silence filled the mess as a foreboding came across the firefly's crew. Jayne was happy and it wasn't through his usual means.

"Jayne…what are you up to?" asked Zoë, as she flipped the tea towel over her shoulder.

"I ain't up t' nothin'." Jayne growled defensively. "Whys you all assumin' that I'm up t' no good?"

"'Cause usually you are up to no good." Mal stated when he set the stone of the peach on the table and wiped his hands.

"Well I ain't this time, is what!" snapped Jayne, trying to look insulted. The tiny up curl on the corner of his mouth wouldn't fade and that made everyone else concerned about what was plotting in his head. "Can't a fella jus' enjoy somethin' good in his life? Private like?"

"Now he's scaring me." said Simon, leaning against the sink.

"As opposed to the times when he's made you feel like skippin' an' singin' 'bout fluffy bunnies and pink flowers?" giggled Kaylee, finally giving into the temptation and grabbing a banana from the fruit bowl.

"Bunnies only good fer shootin', little Kaylee." said Jayne gleefully. "On ma pa's farm, they kept eatin' at the crops, so I kept shootin' and skinning' 'em and Mattie kept cookin' 'em in a stew! Delish!"

"Aww Jayne!" Kaylee threw the banana peel at him in disgust, but she watched in surprise as he caught it and laughed. She was quite stunned that he revealed that part about himself; Jayne never talked much about his family.

"Jayne…jus' tell us what's going on." said Mal. "You are making me a tad discomforted what with your grinnin' an' all."

"Cap'ain. I ain't schemin' or plottin'. I'm damned insulted that you'd think I'd be like that after alls we been through! Now this job went down real shiny like and well…that's a good thing. I bet even 'Nara had plenty o' happy rounds with that poshed up client fella o' hers…"

"Jayne!!"

"I ain't gonna pry, 'Nara! I'm jus' sayin! Ev'ryone's all choked up to be paid….none more than me. I jus' got myself somethin' that….it's special."

"Special?" Zoë shook her head and then continued on with the washing.

"Yeah…" The merc replied, getting up and throwing Kaylee's peel into the trash. "Special. Somethin' that's bin a long time comin'. I bought it with my fair share of the pay and…to sound all selfish and stuff…I ain't sharing. What I gots me is…..well mine."

"Sure and shiny, Jayne." said Kaylee brightening up even more. If such a thing could be possible for the young mechanic. "See there, Cap'ain? Jayne just treated himself is all."

"Nothin' wrong with that I suppose." Mal agreed, satisfied by the explanation but still weary as to what it could be. If it wasn't guns or weapon related and Jayne hadn't spent his pay on any whores at all, there was just a slight snag of concern. Not much else (as far as Mal knew) interested Jayne. "Fine…I'm not one to tell you what to do with your cut. Just as long as it keeps you all mellow and calm like. We all know how you can get with not having spent sometime with your womenfolk."

"Aw heck! That ain't no problem! I got ma own hand to deal with that, Mal."

"Jayne…!" Mal uttered the worst cuss word he could think of. "Don't ever paint that disturbing picture in my head again! Not so soon after food neither!"

The tall gun for hire laughed and when everyone saw that sparkle in his eye and heard the deep rumble in his throat, they knew what he wanted to do and what he was going to say next.

Predictably he withdrew his knife from his leg holster and speared an apple from the fruit bowl. Giving Kaylee a wink he sauntered past, biting the apple.

"I'll be in my bunk." chorused the rest of the crew for him.

Jayne grunted in response.

They hadn't a clue.

* * *

Now was the time.

Jayne had gotten out of the shower, dried himself as best he could with the gorram thinning towel _("Mus' get new ones next stop!") _and wrapped it around his middle. Making sure the cubicle was clean for the next person; Jayne then closed the door behind him and carefully made his way along the corridor. With one hand clutching at the knot of his towel and the other nestling his wash bag, he casually made his way to the galley.

The water from his shower had been scorching but refreshingly hot and he had emerged from the shower feeling cleansed after his work out. He was invigorated and felt so damned good that he couldn't hold himself back any more. His treat waited.

It would be a quick task; go in, grab the treat and head back to his bunk before any of the other crew would complain about him walking round with naught but a towel on. He cared not for the drops of water that still fell off his hot flushed skin, for the urge was too strong now. Sure it had its drawbacks especially after his workout, but none of that mattered.

"Didn't the captain say something about you…specifically for you to NOT wander round with no clothes on?"

Jayne cussed slightly when he saw the Doc drinking the mug of almost-coffee at the dining table. (Oh what to give for a real taste of proper coffee!) He threw his wash bag on the wooden top and snarled.

"I got a towel on." he said, gripping the knot even tighter as he bent down to open the freezer.

"Sweet merciful heavens it's something."

Jayne growled and stood back up, his face screwed up with detest.

"Whassup, Doc?" he sneered and wiggled at the knot, making the towel shift and slip a little lower over his hips. " 'Fraid you be jealous of what's underneath?"

"I don't wish to know…" Simon covered his eyes and groaned at the man's crudeness.

"You wanna peek, is that it?!!" The merc's voice rose in anger. "Wanna know for sure?"

"Oh please….that is beyond….bad!! No! I don't want to see it….or you….ever!"

"You and the lil' mechanic a front, Doc? You sly?!"

Simon could only choke and gasp on his drink, his youthful face contorted with horror and shock. The sound of Jayne's boisterous laughter certainly didn't help much, but still he opened his eyes only to see the tall muscled man leaning over the counter, creased with hysterics. It must have been such a joy to see the Core doctor react like that. Jayne finally got his breath back and disappeared once more as he bent down.

"Relax, doc!" Jayne said, sniggering. "I'm only yankin' ya chain….metaforically speakin'. I ain't stayin' to interrupt your precious…sittin' there."

Jayne was still chuckling to himself. He could imagine the pale man going even more pasty white; gasping for lost for words with his mouth hanging open as he tried to shake off the endless visions now floating in that genius brain of his. Jayne knew his constant chuckling wasn't making Simon feel any better, but hell, a core man like Simon Tam really didn't understand Jayne…nor did he particularly want to.

"'Sides…" Jayne said as he pulled out the sickening looking frozen dinners. "We both know whose more the man 'round here! Right?"

"It's a matter of opinion." Simon snidely remarked as he still gagged. He purposely looked away from where Jayne was rummaging around, but that changed when the merc let out an all mighty howl of pure rage.

"MADE! WHERE IS IT?!?!?!"

Food was thrown across the room with a fury which rivalled a grenade explosion. Simon shot off his chair and ducked as hard frozen packages of go se sailed past his head. He didn't even have the chance to look over the table, for fear of being caught by the deadly missiles. All he could hear was Jayne's constant swearing in Mandarin and the ruckus of the kitchen being torn apart. He heard the clangs of cutlery as they clattered to the floor, draws upended and pots and pans pulled from the cupboards. Jayne Cobb was completely irrational and fumed beyond all sense.

It was gone.

What he had spent a lot of money on, what he had been looking forward to for years was now missing from his hiding place; some gorram hun dun had stolen his treat, his property! Not even the cursing and swearing could convey how Jayne was feeling right now, but there was one thing for certain, someone was going to pay.

"Whadya do with it?!?!" yelled Jayne, storming from round the counter and approaching the doctor with fists clenched and an angry red flushing his furied face. "Where is my ruttin' property?!"

"I…I don't know what you're talking about!" Simon stammered, his fear escalating when Jayne swiped a couple of chairs across the room. "I wouldn't take your things! Why would I?!"

"You think this is all a ruttin' joke??!" Jayne roared. "You think this is dou​ren, core man?! You think its amusin' t' go pinchin' ma stuff…have a laugh at me?!!"

"I'm not that suicidal!"

"You jus' might be when you found out what I had stashed away!!" Jayne snapped.

"There is nothing you could own that I would ever want!" Simon shouted back defiantly. "I am no thief!"

A look of realization shrouded Jayne's seething face. It had finally dawned on him that the pansy assed doc wouldn't dare do such a thing. He was a man of principle and thieving was definitely not his thing. (Well unless it involved the jobs the crew still did…) Seeing his special treat missing had sent him into a rage that he couldn't control, he didn't think clearly. Now he was. There was only one person who would do something like this, just to piss him off. Only one person who wouldn't be afraid of him when he found out.

"That little fēng diān brat!!" he screamed, spinning away from Simon. With the pace of a madman, Jayne-in-a-towel fled the mess hall, cussing and swearing once more; his bare feet stomping loud on the metal floor. Simon was left flabbergasted in the wrecked kitchen.

"Oh no…" Simon ran his hands through his hair. "River….mei mei…what have you done?"

Simon was torn from his shocked trance and began to move after the mercenary. There was no way he was going to let him harm his sister.

A piercing cry echoed through the ship, heightening Simon's terror at what was going to result from this.

"JAYNE!_ For the love of my sanity and my eyesight, put some gorram clothes on!!" _

Now the Captain was going to be dragged into this; no it was not going to go well.

* * *

Zoë, Inara and Kaylee could only gasp in muted shock as Jayne rushed past them with the ferocity of a hurricane. The fact that he wasn't wearing anything except for his towel added a little more surprise to their faces, but it was his spitting rage that concerned them most, for it seemed a lot deeper felt than his usual spouts. When Mal and Simon passed them, equally stunned at the behaviour of the bulking man, they all followed with extreme haste to the cargo bay.

"What's goin' on, sir?" asked Zoë when they emerged onto the walkway over looking the expanse of the hold. Mal just grunted something under his breath and took his gun out from the holster on his waist. Zoë exchanged a _"Is it that bad?" _look with Inara.

"Captain…" Simon plucked up the courage to address Mal, hoping that he would be able to soothe the situation somewhat. "It's River…"

"What's the little albatross done now?!" snapped Mal. "She's done something to upset Jayne, hasn't she?"

"You could say that…yes."

"Oh perfect!"

"Captain! Stop him!" begged Kaylee. "Whatever River's done…it don't warrant this from Jayne!"

"Don't worry, Kaylee." Inara gently rested a reassuring hand on the young woman's shoulder. "I think Jayne might be over-reacting again. You know he does when he's…tense."

"He's not over-reacting. River has stolen from him." Simon sighed, more than worried that his beloved mei mei had reverted back to her old ways. "We all saw how happy Jayne was about whatever it was he brought, my sister taking it...must have tipped him over the edge."

"Jayne's gone over the edge? Oh that's just great!" Mal moaned. "Doc, what the hell is wrong with her now?! She's been all normal for a good few years now!"

"I honestly don't understand why she would do this, Captain." Simon stroked his hand across his bare chin, wiping away the tiny beads of perspiration. "She's been off the medication; she's become so independent that I feel my job as older brother is completely redundant."

"That ain't so, Simon." Kaylee said, smiling softly. "You'll always be her brother, River's just…why has she gone back like this? It don't make no sense to me."

"She might have done it to make him mad." Zoë said grinning. Mal's mouth dropped open and his gun flopped down to his side.

"Huh-what?"

"She did it on purpose, Captain." The dark skinned first smirked even more, gently gesturing towards the howling, spitting merc below them. "Why don't we just let her carry on? She norm'ly has a reason for what she does."

"What possible reason could there be to piss Jayne off?" asked Mal.

"It's hilariously funny?" asked Zoë, knowing full well Wash would have said that had he still been alive. She noted that her words calmed both Simon and Kaylee somewhat and Mal actually nodded his head in agreement. "'Sides, do you really think it'll be Jayne that dishes out the hurt?"

"That certainly lifts a big weight off my shoulders." Mal breathed and put his gun back in his holster. A weight had been lifted, but the scowl on his face never left. "I don't like her messing with the calm equilibrium and smoothness of my boat and you know I like smooth here people! As dearly as I'd love to interfere…I have an almighty headache. Let them have their little tiff, but if either of them hurt each other or end up killin' each other…it'll be up to you two to find me replacements."

"Replacement for my sister?! Captain how can you……"

"Don't test my patience any more than they have! I can find a replacement for you real quick too!"

Mal stormed off, leaving the others watching Jayne still circling the cargo bay. Kaylee sighed and wrapped her arms around Simon's waist, nestling her head on his shoulder.

"He don't mean that, Simon." she said. "You and River are part of this family now, he wouldn't throw you off. No one could replace you any how."

Simon smiled weakly at her reassurance and kissed the top of her head.

The past three years had gotten this crew closer, but Malcolm Reynolds was still unpredictable.

So too it seemed was River.

* * *

"WHERE ARE YOU BRAT?!"

Jayne was in the middle of the bay, spinning round in a dizzying swirl, looking up at the higher walkways; hoping to catch a glimpse of the second youngest member of the crew. He didn't even care that the others were watching him.

She was up there somewhere, she had stolen from him and he wasn't going to let it go. Not even the threat of being shot, or being spaced was halting his heaving anger.

He finally spotted the doc's sister sitting upon the highest catwalk, obscured in the dark shadows from the others; her legs swinging through the gaps in the railings whilst she clutched at the round little tub.

She was staring down at him with those dark crazy eyes and she was smiling most devilishly as he ascended up towards her at speed. Those un-nerving eyes honed in on him and his towel, creeping him out.

The calls of warning from the others were like a soundless buzz in his ears as he climbed up the stairs to where the girl was sitting. His wet foot slipped on the metal steps, making him swear even more as he nearly crashed down on his knees, but he managed to steady himself and bolt up even faster, determined to take back what was his.

That smug look on her face as she licked the spoon in her other hand only made the merc fume even more.

He was gonna wipe that gorram grin off her damned face!

She was openly mocking him by licking that spoon. She must have thought this was just a silly little tease or joke, but this was way beyond anything if she had stolen his guns or his hat. If it had been Vera in the young telepath's hands, sure…he'd react really badly, but what she had done now had crossed the line. Jayne, still clutching at his towel, edged along the walkway, shouting at her until his Adam's apple protested under the strain.

River chuckled, which only made Jayne madder.

He was about to grab her arm, haul her to her feet and take her to Mal and Simon to show them the evidence of her thievery and snitchin' clearly in her fingers. But the way she was holding it delicately with light tips, not squeezing or distorting the fragile tub, made him stop. Looking down from above, Jayne made out that half of it was clearly missing. The perfection of his treat had been ruined.

"You're gonna stop eatin' that now, ya damned screwed up crazy-girl!" His aching throat could barely spout out the numerous obscenities he wanted to convey towards the twenty one year old. He could only croak. "That ain't yours!"

"I'm not crazy." said River calmly, her eyes fleeting up, down and across the broad span of his glistening torso. She smirked again. "I haven't been since I turned eighteen. That's important. I'm an adult now. A woman. No more crazy moments."

"Well ya must crazy be t' go pinchin' ma stuff!" Jayne gruffly replied. "Give it back now, or so help me, I'll…"

"No, you won't do anything to me. You're not entirely sure you'll be able to beat me in a fight. And you won't…beat me that is. The scrotum still tingles at the remembrance of what happened last time…does it not?"

Jayne tried to blurt out a concurrence of more abusive crazy names that he associated with her, but instead he hacked up a few nervous coughs. The way she was eyeing him up, her tongue licking the white traces from her lips was scaring him. She did it with such slowness that the sweat of fear was now beading on Jayne's brow. What was this gorram girl playing at?!

River gently placed the edge of the spoon in the centre of the tub, before dragging it across the cream substance to the edge. It curled up onto the spoon, revealing brown chunks and specks embedded in the white; she gazed at it longingly for several seconds, biting her bottom lip in anticipation, before closing her eyes and slipping the spoon into her mouth. Her lips closed around it and River let out a pleasant moan, a moan that made Jayne involuntarily growl. She took the spoon out of her mouth and the creamy white left only small little smears on the metal. River cleaned the utensil of the smears with two long slow licks, as if the implement was a child's lollipop. Jayne growled again.

"Little crazy…." Jayne's choking throat still threatened menacingly.

"Not crazy."

"Yeah! You are! Gimme back my gorram ice cream!"

"It's nicer to share, Jayne." she cooed, patting the walkway with her palm and her eyes lingering on his near naked body.

"I ain't ruttin' sharin' and STOP lookin' at ma body! It's creepyfyin'!"

River muttered something under hear breath, _("Your body ain't creepyfyin'") _her head slinking forward causing her hair to fall over her face. Jayne didn't care any more and bent down to wrap his large hand round her bare arm. He pulled her up to her feet as if she was as light as a feather and River giggled. She flicked her hair back but she still clutched tightly to the ice cream tub.

"It's nicer to share." she said. "After all, is that why the old man brought it? To share with his little girl?"

"I ain't sharin'!!" Jayne spat, a mix of anger and pure confusion displaying on his face. He was fuming that she had stolen from him, but her words were not making sense. "You ain't ma little girl!"

River then settled his ferocity with just one of her "duh" looks. Now he was just confused.

"The old man brought the special ice cream, to share with his little girl. Did he not? For when she became a man." River smirked again. "Besides…I'm a woman. I did just tell you."

Jayne still looked confused, but at least he was calmer now. His ice blue eyes gazed down at her, waiting for a explanation; preferably one that would make him mad again, but he also looked down at the ice cream, his mouth salivating.

"The old man was poor compared to others on the Rim rock. The family was big…nine brothers, one sister. All very close, protective and loving, but still so poor. When "The boy with a girl's name" turned eighteen, it was a big deal. He was a man now and ma and pa had to do something special for their eldest. After all, their Jayne had done so much for the family…looked after them as best she could."

"Get out of my mind, you bitch…" Jayne growled. "You don't gotta know that! It's personal!"

"It's screaming at me, every time you look at this." River waved the tub gently in the air, noticing his head and his eyes following every movement she made with it. "Pa used up all his wages to acquire this…a rarity even on some core worlds….an acquisition that should not have been possible to achieve. The brothers and sister never had treats, never got the nice things in life and this was one for Jayne. To share, to enjoy, a memory to make and relish. Cookies and Cream, cream and cookies…it is so sweet and lush on the tongue…surely nothing like this could ever exist in this 'verse. The girl-now- man-Jayne, had only taken a couple of mouthfuls, allowing his younger brothers and sister to have most of it. Even Pa and Ma had more than he did. Jayne has never forgotten the taste of it…the way the cookie crumbles in his mouth, the creaminess as it melts on his tongue….."

"Stop that…no one goes pryin' into my life! No one!" His hand snatched out towards the container. River moved back, but his hand clung to the tub, covering her tiny fingers with his own. The coldness of the carton was numbing River's palms, but Jayne's warm skin over hers made her stagger slightly and lose her calm. "Gimme it!"

"No!" She wailed, very childlike. "Learn to share! Learn to be happy!"

She pulled, he countered it and they both clutched at the ice cream and tugged in a struggle to gain the prize. River slipped one hand free and slapped against Jayne's chest. He slapped back and so the childish fight continued, pushing and shoving, neither of them wanting to relinquish their hold on the ice cream.

"Leggo!" Jayne pulled harder, dragging River forward. The ice cream tub pressed at Jayne's bare skin, the cold a startling shock and making him hiss. "Leggo you gorram stoopid girl!"

"NO! I'm not stupid! You are!" She tugged and tugged, slapping him still with her free hand.

"Keep this up an' you'll be over that railin' an' splattered on the floor before you can breathe!"

"Like to see you try, you big ape man!"

Unfortunately for Jayne, he hadn't thought on what the young woman would do next. Her hand stopped slapping at his bulking arms and chest and instead loosened the knot of his towel. It fell to the floor instantly and the struggle stopped.

There was nothing covering him up now.

River's eyes widened in shock at the glorious sight before her; a glistening body of sweat and water. Alluring Jayne smelling sweat dripped off the hairs on his chest, slid off the broad shoulders and down his muscled arms; water droplets ran down his sides and down the well defined pelvic bones to his (truly magnificent) manhood . Her mouth fell open and locked, her eyes widened and remained fixed on Jayne's jiji, for a lot longer than she intended.

"Getting' a good look, crazy?!" he growled when River never stopped gazing between his legs. "When you're quite finished gaping', leggo of my ice cream!"

"I….I…" River had not expected any of this. Her reaction to seeing him naked was completely contrary to what she thought when she took that towel away. Even his was not as expected. She had thought Jayne would become embarrassed and loosen his grip on the ice cream to cover himself, but he didn't even move. He didn't even care.

"What? You ain't seen a man's todger before? Get over it….let..the ruttin' hell go!"

Everything about him rippled, flexed and bulged, the perfect body honed and shaped…but still scarred by numerous injuries. The scar across his chest where she had sliced him with the knife was just visible, the bullet wound on his shoulder from Miranda….the imperfections only added to his perfection and inside her mind, the chaos began once more. Something was making her unbalanced, heating up her head and shivering down her spine. A warm pulse down below was curiously making the young River Tam sway.

"Are ya deaf, girlie?!" Jayne yelled. "I said leggo!"

She did the opposite. Her hand squeezed at the tub of ice cream with such a crushing force that its contents were splattered over the mercenary. The cold white mush covered him, from his face to his muscled legs and was now slipping off him to the metal floor. Drip. Drip. Drip.

Jayne winced from the cold cream covering his nakedness; he staggered back away from the young telepath in front of him and looked in absolute despair at what remained of his "treat". There weren't going to be any indulgence now. She had ruined it.

There was going to be hell to pay for this.

Jayne had no idea that it was going to be him that would pay.

Her shock at seeing him de-towelled rapidly disappeared and changed to one of terrifying lust. That smirk crawled back to her pretty little lips and as she still held the crushed empty tub, River Tam stepped forward to the merc. She looked him up and down, a predatory glare in her eyes as the ice cream slid down over him. Jayne tried to be angry, he wanted to be mad at her for stealing and ruining his evening, but he had never felt more scared in his life.

That was until the young twenty one year old moved her head down close to his stomach. That was until he felt a warm rough tongue lash out over abdomen. She licked at the ice cream, swallowing it with a euphoric whine before bending back down and twirling her tongue in his belly button to hook up a chunk of soft cookie into her mouth.

Gods, it felt so ruttin' great…her pleasured groan, her lips sucking at his flesh provoked a rock hard attention quicker than he had ever achieved in all his life. A week without trim had made him far too compliant. The urge to let this young woman continue was extremely tempting, Jayne wanted her to keep eating off him, but when her fingers scrapped some of the ice cream off from around his groin, he nearly came crashing down to the metal grating. When those same fingers reached up to his mouth, he couldn't resist parting his lips to suck the sweetness from those nimble little tips.

The Cookies and cream tasted just how he had remembered. A luscious jolt of pleasure, a taste of heaven that a poor farm boy could never have hoped to experience, but the memory of his family and of his father's sacrifice no longer came to mind at this sensation.

It was of her. The crazy little moon brain, the Academy trained assassin who could kill him with her brain; the young weapon that had slaughtered hundreds of Reavers with ease on Mr Universe's moon; the woman who had saved the crew's lives only last month from another Reaver attack….this beautiful…hot….(not crazy? No, definitely crazy!) River Tam.

"Made!" Jayne leapt back, as reality broke through the fogged mess that was his thoughts. Jayne stumbled against the railings before crouching down to fumble for his lost towel. Looking up in stunned horror, Jayne saw her licking her lips and fingers. "What the gorram hell do you think you're doin' moon brain?!"

"Sharing?" she asked, still smirking. "Sharing is fun, isn't it?"

Where was Shepherd Book when you needed a damned good sermon about going to special hells?

"I tol' ya! I ain't sharin' nothin' with you!" Jayne's still croaking voice couldn't hide the nervousness seeping through as he finally got the towel round him again. "All I wannid was t' eat my gorram ruttin' ice cream in remembrance of my pa! Of my home! You…….you…..it's gone! It's….."

He couldn't finish what he was going to say. He growled through the sudden embarrassment he had been hit with and got back up to his feet, adjusting the towel to cover up his large erection.

"I never intended this." she said, watching him nervously twitching and panicking. "I just wanted to share your memory of your family…you don't talk much about them to us…I got a little carried away. Duìbùqǐ. But if it makes you feel any better….you are well endow--!"

"Gorrammit girlie!"

"Woman!"

"Crazy messed up…argggh!"

Jayne yelled and turned, running just as quickly away from River Tam as he had towards her only moment before. What had intended to be a simple wonderful dive into his past, remembering Mattie and his brothers, his father and mother, was now replaced by thoughts about a young…woman. Thoughts he hadn't had since he'd first laid eyes on her. The combination of the ice cream and her touch, her mouth and tongue caressing all over him was making his heads hurt, badly. This was what going crazy must be like. Surely.

"_Two crazies together, how shuai. How ruttin' shuai." _

He had to return to his bunk.

He wasn't going to be safe anymore_._

* * *

"B-wha---! B-wha--! Ugh! Mei…b-wha--!"

Simon couldn't say anything except those strange noises. An occasional half word popped up amongst the chokes for breath and the wheezing, but no matter how hard he tried, he simply could not make any move to stop what he and the others were watching from below.

When the little fight had started out, it seemed amusing for they had been like children arguing over a toy. Inara had expressed her astonishment that Jayne had actually brought this luxury ice cream and Simon even agreed (slightly) with Jayne's earlier comment. If he had known it was ice cream, Simon would have been tempted to take a peek…or to have a little taste.

But that jaunty little fun fighting turned to the worst possible nightmare when River tore off Jayne's towel.

Kaylee gasped, her hand covering her mouth to hide the amused grin and her flushed cheeks rather than disgust at the sight of naked Jayne. Inara's eyes neither widened nor scowled, but there was a glimmer at the sight of the merc's body. She knew it was Jayne and whilst she was impressed with how he looked after himself, she didn't really react much else to it.

Zoë on the other hand let out a startled "Oh my…" before turning to the doctor and becoming instantly concerned about his condition. He had gone pale white, he was shaking at the knees, shaking all over to be more exact and his hands were clutching at his chest.

"Doc…are you okay?" Zoë knew it was a stupid question to ask. He wasn't okay at all, he looked as if he was about to have heart attack.

The shrill high pitched "eeep!" from Kaylee caught Zoë's attention and her head whipped up only to see River eating the ice cream off Jayne Cobb's body.

"Wode tian!"

There was a heavy thud as Simon's body passed out on the floor, the sight too much to bear for the young doctor. Zoë and the other two watched in total shock at the very sensual and erotic motions from River and they still didn't move even when Jayne ran off.

"My…that was…" Inara waved a hand in front of her face to try and ease her heated cheeks.

"Sexy?" Kaylee asked.

"I can see what you mean, sweetie, but I was going more for disturbing. She did….and it was…Jayne."

"So glad the Cap'ain weren't here." Zoë uttered.

"I'm…I'm going to be in my shuttle." said Inara, rushing off in the direction of her own sanctuary.

"We're not gonna tell the cap'ain 'bout what happened, are we Zoë?" asked Kaylee, gasping once more when River spotted them and smiled innocently at her friends.

"No. That would not be a good idea. The calm has been upset enough as is."

"I don't wanna be around when he does."

"He's not the one we should worry about, though." Zoë looked down at Simon still passed out on the floor. "The doc is not going to be happy when he wakes up. Shall we see if we can get him to the infirmary?"

Kaylee could only nod and when she assisted the First mate to hitch Simon Tam up off the floor, she looked up once again and saw now that River was sitting back on the walkway, swinging her legs over the edge. The look on her young face was what made Kaylee smile sweetly for her friend. River Tam was not crazy, which is what Simon probably thought she was, no. She was smitten and in lust.

With Jayne Cobb?

Stranger things had happened on this boat.

* * *

"Dammit preacher!" Jayne slumped onto his bed and clamped his fists into his hair. "Why aint'cha here when I need t'talk to ya?! They're gonna lynch me…for _her_ takin' advantage of me! I could sure do with some advice! Shepherd?"

There was no reply. Sometimes, when Jayne spoke to his long gone friend, (he'd never admit to the others he did this) he normally got a sign, about something. There had been a couple of times when the preacher's old bible fell off his table and onto a specific page, but the only problem was Jayne's reading skills (though improved thanks to some lessons Book had given him prior to his death) wasn't his strongest point. He liked to believe his friend was trying to tell him something, but he never could figure out what. Unless he asked someone else. No one was going to help him now, especially after what happened.

He was going to be lynched.

"I know I was bad…my thoughts and such…and the lickin' of her fingers…but..gorrammit! Book, it weren't planned or schemed or nuffin'! The Cap'ain's gonna kill me, Simon is gonna constantly bitch and whine about it and the other ladies, well…you know what they'll do! I'll never stop havin' their womanly glares in my direction alltha time. Judgin' me…condemin' me." Jayne growled and got up from his bunk to pace. "Now I can't get her outta ma head…preacher..I'm gonna need another one o'your handy miracle signs….y'know? That crazy girl…woman…has screwed me over big time! Not literally….aw hell!"

The thought of actually physically screwing (no wrong word) sexin' the Reader flashed across his mind and he tried to shake it off. But the recollection of her tongue in his navel and on his groin only made his anxiety worse.

"I am goin' to the special hell…ain't I preacher?" Jayne asked, picking up the leather bound bible from his desk. He opened it up, noting that some of the torn pages River had ripped out were still loose amongst the others, but even just holding it made Jayne a little bit better.

"You talk in theatres? That's really bad."

Jayne nearly had a coronary himself at the sound of her voice. He spun round, Book's bible fell from his hand and his back impacted hard with the edge of his sink.

"What'cha doin' here, girlie?!" he gasped, rubbing at his sore back. When River sighed, obviously wishing he wouldn't keep calling her "girlie" he straightened up and frowned, getting his angry side all worked up for her. "Get out of my room, 'fore I end up shootin' you for trespassin' and bein' an annoyin' pain in the pigu!"

River kept her distance. There was no smirk or lusting smile on her lips, in fact Jayne noted she was quite serene and serious in her mannerisms. Her hands clutched behind her back and she stood tall and proper, like the lady she had been brought up to be, before the Academy. Her long brown strands of hair were tattered and untamed and the three quarter length khaki shorts and white top she wore with her combat boots belied that ladyness most Core women had. However, River held herself with a dignified air and grace, despite that what she did to him earlier was anything but dignified in public.

" Duìbùqǐ." she said at long last. "I am…really. I over-reacted to a situation that had gotten completely out of control. I am sorry I stole your ice cream…there was a reason other than selfishness or jealousy or the need to simply steal."

"Don't much care for your reasons, crazy." Jayne said, his large palm scooping up and gripping strongly at Book's bible. "You've been a part of this here crew for some long years now; you know you don't go snitchin' other people's stuff. Mal's very strict on that."

"I know. But will you allow me to explain anyway?"

"I want'cha to leave."

"So you can be all on your own? Again?"

Jayne frowned.

"You've been on Serenity longer than Simon and I. You sit at the table during meals, you talk but you talk little. You don't speak to anyone much…not since preacher man passed on." River stepped one pace forward and looked Jayne right in the eyes. "You miss him…you and he were friends and now there is only Simon and the Captain as male companionship. But they don't understand you. Shepherd Book did."

"This ain't about the holy man." Jayne said. "I thought you were gonna explain why you stole from me!"

River nodded and smiled softly.

"When you came back to Serenity with the ice cream, your memory of your father and family was so strong, I couldn't ignore it. I couldn't quite get all the details, nor was I wanting to delve that deep into your thoughts, but the feeling of family, of sharing…it was so strong in you. You miss your folks and your siblings. When you found this, you thought you would be able to indulge in that memory, savour what your father had done for you before he passed."

Jayne just grunted in response.

"Why then is the memory of the ice cream, the meaning for it, for sharing it, make you skulk away from the rest of us? Would it not be nicer to share it with someone, like you had with your family? I thought if I asked to share it with you, you would say no."

"I woulda done."

"So the only way was to force you to share. I stole it, to make you come to me and we could have….but the towel….the nakedness….that did not factor into my plan."

Both of them turned away from each other quickly, to hide their reactions to the memory. Jayne cleared his throat again and stamped his feet nervously a couple of times.

"Well…what was with the lickin' and the eatin'….what possessed you, what made you think you could do that to me?!"

"That was purely instinctual. Your nakedness covered with delicious cold pudding was difficult to resist. It won't happen again. Unless….unless you want it to?"

"No. 'Sides, even if I were interested, which I'm not by the way, none of it matters." sneered Jayne as he turned to face her. His fist clenched with anger. "My ice cream is gone…ya wasted all of it! Ya have wasted not only the best puddin' in the whole ruttin' 'verse, but ya wasted ma money! Do you know how much I paid for that?! "

River nodded.

"Well…well done River Tam. Congratulations for fuckin' it all up for me. Now git out of here…scram, 'fore I do…."

He cut off in mid sentence when she brought from behind her back a large bowl. Along with two spoons in it, there was a substantial amount of the Cookies and Cream dessert. His mouth dropped open in complete surprise and he began to salivate with craving anticipation.

"I saved some." River said, smiling. "It would have all gone in one go if I hadn't…and well being as some of it was wasted…."

Jayne snatched the bowl from her hand, grunting with a childish happiness. He sat down on his bed and jabbed a large amount of the ice cream with a spoon. River watched as he scooped it into his mouth and revelled with pleasured moans as it melted over his tongue. His eyes fluttered shut and for a brief moment he didn't move.

The memory of his home and his family, pummelled hard into River's mind. It was so intense that she nearly fell over, but she remained upright by clinging to the desk behind her. Maybe she was wrong about this; perhaps it was too personal for him to share. She turned to leave.

"Sit your ass down here, woman." Jayne said, pointing with the spoon to the space next to him on the bed. "I s'pose it won't hurt for you to share this with me, jus' this once."

He saw that huge grin spread across her face and when she flung herself down next to him, she whipped up her spoon quicker than a blink of an eye. The two of them tucked in, now only taking small bits from the ice cream, to make sure they could truly savour it.

For a while, they never said anything as they ate. Instead the sounds of slurping and sucking on their spoons along with their pleasured groans, was all that could be heard. That was until Jayne cleared his throat and tried to pick out a bit of cookie stuck in his teeth.

"Ma pa worked real hard on the farm." he said, causing River to halt in her eating. "He got up early every day, went to bed late…worked his butt off to keep us all with food in our bellies. But that day I turned eighteen…he gave me this…he tol' me it was his gift t' me for all ma help and that I was now a man an' all. I couldn't have it all to myself, like what he wannid…for when Mattie and Jonas saw what I got…I had t' share it with them an' the others. Never knew that pa had spent months and months of his an' ma's money on this. But I do know that was one o' the best days of our lives, I'd never seen 'em all so happy. Y'know?"

River positively beamed. She felt honoured that he was sharing not only the ice cream but his memories of his family. At last he was finally coming out and talking with her. Jayne sighed and ate another spoonful, wiping his mouth as some of it escaped at the corner of his lips.

"Will you tell me more about them?" River asked. "What is your family like….your brothers…Mattie?"

"Sure…" He paused, briefly wondering if it was such a good idea. Yet, seeing her keen interest made him think, it probably wouldn't be so bad after all. " Keep tuckin' in mind. I gotta say, this sharin' now…it ain't all bad."

River obliged and she filled up her spoon straight away.

However, before she could eat it all up, a large dollop of melting ice cream spilled off the edge and a coldish blob down the front of her top made her scream. Jayne jerked and pounced up from his bed.

"What?! What happened?"

"I spilled some." she moaned, trying hard not to smirk at his reaction.

"Don' worry 'bout it, woman…it won't stain yer top…"

"_Oh hell….no……"_

Jayne could only gawp, frozen to the spot as River placed the bowl down on the bed and pulled off her white top. The ice cream was slipping down her throat towards the crevices of her (gorgeous…ruttin gorgeous) breasts. A trail of small sized cookie bits left behind as it did so. Jayne immediately felt the stirring within his pants.

"_Down boy! Remember…Special hell….special hell……do anythin' an' yer goin' to the special hell…."._

"You won't be going there. Believe me." River rose from the bed, her dark eyes now smouldering with the same lustful glare from before. There was a definite sexual want in her gaze and desire in her movements and when she pressed herself against Jayne, thrusting her chest up in demand, she let out a pleading whine that made his blood boil.

"Why…why are you doin' this to me, you crazy woman?" Jayne's eyes fixated on the white trail sliding over her chest. "You all hormonal? All sexified 'cause o'ya girlie month thing?"

River sighed and shook her head. She shrugged her shoulders and smiled, licking her lips in enticement. She felt him quiver, she felt his hardness against her leg and River tried to suppress a chuckle of laughter. She failed.

"Sharing is fun…..don't you want to share?"

Jayne tried to resist. He thought of the rest of the crew, of Mal and what he would do when he found out about this. He thought of his friend…the Shepherd would certainly not approve of this. Or would he?

"_We both consentin' preacher man." _Jayne thought out to his friend. _"we both consentin' ain't nuffin' wrong with it. Not at all!" _

Eventually he could no longer resist her and he moved down to press his mouth between her breasts.

Oh gods…yes it was good to share.

Cookies and Cream and River Tam…nothing else in the 'verse could compare.

THE END

PART TWO: Final Fantasy 12.


End file.
